When we met, I wasn't in it for the money. I wasn't like Jones. He was a dealer. The version of Ted I knew was in recovery, and I am into the steps. Maybe it's wrong of me, but fine, whatever. But I'm ready to go public: I am the dude who totally banged Ted Haggard.
I know you're judging me, and I can live with that. Here's how it went down:
He walked into the place where I work and ordered a coffee. I recognized him immediately because, come on, why not memorize the face of every right-wing homophobic asshole who turns out to be gay? I may end up in a stall next to Larry Craig some day. Anyway, I gave him a wink as I handed him his coffee, and I think he picked up on that. Just in case it wasn't clear, I said out loud, "I want to 'volunteer' for your 'church.'" I was using these terms in their metaphorical sense, but someone took it literally and next thing I knew I was freezing my tuchus off in Colorado.
At first, things were awesome. I was megavolunteering at the megachurch, and having megasex with Ted Haggard. Yes, I seduced him. Does that make me a bad guy? Is there anyone here who's NOT turned on by the idea of having sex with an evangelical who hates himself? No. Be honest.
Soon I was approached by church elders, who all looked basically like Van Johnson, but older and chubbier. They offered me a lot of money to keep quiet about totally boning Ted Haggard. At first, I played hardball. "Are you sure you don't mean Merle Haggard?"
I didn't want to end things yet, but I knew that Blossom: Seasons 1 and 2 was about to be released on DVD, and I could really use the scratch.
Eventually, I agreed. What would you do? I said goodbye, and tenderly kissed Ted on the lips, as a way to prepare him for the media shitstorm that was about to roll on in (again). He didn't seem to understand, so I also said "I'm going to the press, and also taking you guys' money." That got the point across.
Goodbye, Ted. I'll miss you. Maybe give me a call when you're back to pretending that you don't bang dudes.
I know you're judging me, and I can live with that. Here's how it went down:
He walked into the place where I work and ordered a coffee. I recognized him immediately because, come on, why not memorize the face of every right-wing homophobic asshole who turns out to be gay? I may end up in a stall next to Larry Craig some day. Anyway, I gave him a wink as I handed him his coffee, and I think he picked up on that. Just in case it wasn't clear, I said out loud, "I want to 'volunteer' for your 'church.'" I was using these terms in their metaphorical sense, but someone took it literally and next thing I knew I was freezing my tuchus off in Colorado.At first, things were awesome. I was megavolunteering at the megachurch, and having megasex with Ted Haggard. Yes, I seduced him. Does that make me a bad guy? Is there anyone here who's NOT turned on by the idea of having sex with an evangelical who hates himself? No. Be honest.
Soon I was approached by church elders, who all looked basically like Van Johnson, but older and chubbier. They offered me a lot of money to keep quiet about totally boning Ted Haggard. At first, I played hardball. "Are you sure you don't mean Merle Haggard?"
I didn't want to end things yet, but I knew that Blossom: Seasons 1 and 2 was about to be released on DVD, and I could really use the scratch.Eventually, I agreed. What would you do? I said goodbye, and tenderly kissed Ted on the lips, as a way to prepare him for the media shitstorm that was about to roll on in (again). He didn't seem to understand, so I also said "I'm going to the press, and also taking you guys' money." That got the point across.
Goodbye, Ted. I'll miss you. Maybe give me a call when you're back to pretending that you don't bang dudes.
2 comments:
Hahahahaha.
Having sodomized a self-loathing roman priest at the age of 22 (he was 40), I can understand your being "turned on by the idea of having sex with an evangelical who hates himself." I know I am.
TR
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